Being Haunted
by Banshae
Summary: Aeryn's POV after "Relativity". Please R&R.


Title: Being Haunted  
Author: Banshae, 2001  
Disclaimer: You know and I know that I don't own these characters. I promise to take good care of them and put them back when I'm done.   
Spoilers: Definitely "Relativity"...but only if you watched it.   
Archiving: Let me know  
Summary: Aeyrn's POV after "Relativity". This is my first try at fanfic, so please be kind!  
  
  
  
  
She haunts me.  
  
I came from her. I let her die. She wanted to kill me, and now she haunts me.   
  
My mother.   
  
John asked me once what it was like to grow up a Peacekeeper. I told him then that it was perfect. It was easier to follow, to do what I was told. Much easier than trying to think for myself. It was all I knew.   
  
Now she haunts me.   
  
I was a child when she came to me. "You were conceived in love," her eyes were filled with something that scared me at the time.   
  
I didn't understand. I was too young to understand.   
  
Now I know what her eyes were telling me. John's shown me, and sometimes my head pounds with the effort of learning to understand these new feelings.   
  
Her eyes, so much like mine...or so John says.   
  
"She looked like you Aeryn. Or maybe you looked like her," the corner of his mouth had pulled up, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. "It was sorta freaky."  
  
I had stared at him. "She was my mother. We are genetically related, so it's only proper that we look alike, John."  
  
*****  
  
My mother.   
  
My heart feels heavy with unnamed pain. I shouldn't grieve for her. She was a Peacekeeper, and she was doing what she was trained to do. Her training was more ingrained in her than any love that she might have once had for me. She killed my father, her lover...because that's what she was commanded to do. And a good soldier always follows her commands.   
  
John had tried to comfort me in the way he knew best, "Talk to me, Aeryn."  
  
I looked into his face and seeing my hurt reflected back at me was almost more than I could bear. His quarters -our quarters- suddenly seemed much too small to contain the storm within me. I couldn't speak, and he sensed it, moving to gather me into his arms. "Aeryn... I'm so sorry. I wish it could have been different....I wish she could have seen past the PK dren and seen you for who you really are. "   
  
"Who am I, then?" Pulling away, I met his gaze. My voice was sharp, but he refused to rise to the bait. Seeing my mother remain a Peacekeeper even as she died had made me angry. John was a convenient target, as usual.   
  
My hands tightened on his arms, and he winced, "Aeryn, everyone's gonna think that you've been beatin' me." The joviality was forced, but enough to make me let go of him. "Look, you know who you are. You're more than just another PK drone! You've come so far, Aeryn..."  
  
He gathers me in again, murmuring comfort and I slowly relax against him. The anger drains away as he coaxes me to the narrow bunk. I don't hear all of his words, but his scent and the feel of his warm body against mine slowly uncoils the ache in my chest. His hands move softly over me, his voice ebb and flow that I willingly follow.   
  
I do not want to think any more. I do not want to see my mother's eyes as Crais took the pulse rifle from John. I push away the thoughts and the anger that threaten to overwhelm me, and I exist in the now:  
  
John's fingers dancing on my skin; his oddly delicious, un-Sebecean scent; the feel of his bone and muscle under my hands; the taste of him on my tongue. I am not gentle with him, though I try to not draw blood. He meets my ferocity with his own; our strength is nearly equal. He seems to realize that I need this release, this outward battle to tame my inward chaos, and doesn't seem surprised at my roughness.   
  
It is the acceptance in his eyes that finally loosens my voice, and when I cry out, I feel tears on my cheeks.   
  
***********  
  
Afterwards, we lay curled together. I can tell that John has fallen asleep. The ache in my chest is not gone, but diminished enough that I can breathe without sobbing.   
  
My mother.   
  
She haunts me.   
  
I know why, now: She was everything that I could have been if I had remained in the narrow Peacekeeper world.   
  
John stirs and shifts his arm to encircle my waist, but the cadence of his breath remains the same. I wonder if my mother had felt for Talyn what I feel for John.   
  
My thoughts shift back to that night in the children's barracks on the Peacekeeper carrier.   
  
Yes.   
  
The emotion that been in my mother's eyes that night was love.   
  
fin  
  
  
  
  



End file.
